Holiday Carols

In light of the tough stock market, I present you traditional Carols with a Twist.

White Christmas: What!? Hasn't anyone heard about Diversity? Hello?!? Been living under a rock for the past few months?

Blue Christmas: Blue! White!! Make up your mind!!! Commit!!

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer: You know, if you'd not hit the schnapps, we wouldn't be in this pickle. However, since you're the only one who can guide a sleigh tonight, perhaps you'll consider a bit of make-up to tone down that shiny nose?

Jingle Bells: One horse open sleigh? Sounds a bit chilly, and remember that being at the wrong end of that horse could wreak havoc on that cashmere scarf!! (Dry cleaning doesn't take out smell, you know.)

Mele Kalikimaka: Supposedly, this is Hawaii's way to say Merry Christmas, to you. What they don't tell you is that it's really intended to encourage Mainlanders' tongues to tie. Yeah pal, they're laughing at you, big time!!

Here we Come a-Wassailing: This begs a few questions: Is wassailing painful? Do you really want to wassail in public? Should everyone else duck?

And Now It's Christmas: Whoa. Newsflash!!

Go Tell it on the Mountain: A blatant example of geographic discrimination. And in this year of inclusion! What ARE you thinking?

Frosty the Snowman, Let it Snow, and other frozen water themed carols: Frosty got lost and ended up in the MGM Grand, causing the first major snow storm in Las Vegas. And now, you're giving it permission to snow? That's just a little bit extreme ...

I'll be Home for Christmas: The one caveat being, what's on the menu? We've got choices, people!!!

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Isn't she the one who made such a big deal about looking both ways? Perhaps we might want to follow our own advice, grandma?

A Holly Jolly Christmas: You ever SIT on Holly? It's sharp, and not especially jolly. Find another bush to sit on ...

Oh, Christmas Tree: What?! You've resorted to talking to a TREE???? If it talks back, we know a therapist who can help you with that...(we suggest our shrink, Dr. K :-)

Hark, the Herald Angels Sing: Are all angels named Harold? What about Bob, Tom and, lest we forget, Maude? Furthermore, this is a meritocracy: What if Harold just can't sing? What then, smarty pants?

Deck the Halls: We suggest you resist the urge to deck anyone this holiday season. We know times are tough, money tight and tempers are on edge. Seriously, don't deck anyone. It's just not worth it...

Little Drummer Boy: We'd love to comment, but for the life of us, we just can't figure out the point; strumming, drumming with ox and lamb keeping time? If they can keep time, what's the kid doin'? Nope. Don't get it.

God, Rest ye Merry Gentlemen: With all that cooking over the holidays, the Ladies could use a good nap, themselves!

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: Hey!! There's a purpose to this letter every year. Waddya think we're tryin' to do now? What we're trying to say is:

We hope you have a peaceful and prosperous holiday and a Happy New Year!!

[Contributed by an Alert Reader]